Serendipity

Over the bowl,
I wretch.
Growing my soul,
I stretch.
Panic drives me
To relentlessly
Dispel this emptiness
Clawing and gnawing within.
There was so much that could’ve been done to prevent this.

Here I am; disappointed again.

There is nothing to heave;
For I have struggled to eat.
Nor is there anything to relieve
This incessant void in its attempt to devour me with jaws of defeat.

In this moment
I am alone;
Suffering in my torment,
We cry out for our home,
Our sanctuary
When life is too terrible and scary,
Who we lean on and carry,
Who’s persistence we thought would ne’er grow wary.
Now, all we had and once were will be buried.
Our paths divide and merge and are greatly varied,
But you chose to spend your time elsewhere.
Which is completely your right,
No one should control when you choose to be here or there.
But you chose this knowing I would ache and cry out in the night.
You told me who you are
Is inseparable from her.
How did we wander so far
From who we once were?

Over the bowl
I draw in the smoke,
There is no control,
But it helps me to cope.
I am whole as I am trapped in this hole;
An ancient endurance awoke.
This weathering has taken its toll,
Only the deaf hear what I spoke;
Only the silence cradles what I have spoken;
For everyone but you realized how much I was broken.
It took her seeing me,
For your eyes to open,
Despite the insanity,
I continue hopin’.

We all choose blindness occasionally.
We all choose deafness,
And relinquish objectivity
When someone leaves us breathless.
I kept waiting and waiting,
Internally debating,
Would you follow through on what you said?
Is all this paranoia just frivolous nonsense in my head?
If that is the case, why am I saturated with dread?
Because time and time again,
Every time I have extended my hand,
You changed the plan,
Without asking my opinion, instead proclaiming with a demand
That I adapt to your adjustments.
We’ve talked for hours, but not had many real discussions.
Once again, this is all my fault;
Because I am wounded by programmed beliefs,
But you don’t want to halt,
So in order to create my own relief,
I must change me,
My default,
And how I feel fundamentally
To align with what you and I want to build intentionally.

Over the bowl
I puff
I wretch,
Another joint, I roll.
Old stuff,
I fetch.
Resurfacing what I forgot I believe,
And a memory.
From all I perceive,
This is not consensual non-monogamy.

I was so excited.
I thought we were ready.
We altered the dynamics of our relationship,
So I didn’t need you to be healthy,
So I could want you, and add to what makes me happy.
You were en route to me,
To home,
To a new Us,
But she made you feel good
After a fear of loss.
I didn’t think you would,
I didn’t think that line you would cross.
By her, you were delighted,
And I have damned myself to live by my integrity.
We are sinking;
Water hurriedly flooding our boat.
The only way to escape this ship,
Is to dawn our individual life jackets,
And hope we float.
If love were a currency, I’d be very wealthy,
Even though most of my investments have been crappy.
But you see,
Wherever you roam,
I still trust
That there is a path forward for us.

I’m betting on it;
Constructing myself and my life in the direction of what I wish to create,
To walk along with arms open in a self-assured grace,
To allow compassion and understanding to satiate,
Surging forward in reclaiming my power, knowing none could replace
Or deface,
That which makes me special.
As I grow, I expand my threshold,
To create space,
To create a safe place,
For all 3 of me, and you too;
So you can choose to come or go as you wish to,
Like a creature in the woods.
The forest does not dictate the lives of its inhabitants with “shoulds”.
You are mine to hold,
But not hold-back.
All I was and have told,
Was not meant as an attack.
Though I treasure and cherish our time together,
I do not wish to tether
Your adventurous spirit on a leash.
I would rather remain present and allow you release,
So you may flourish in your element,
Without lament.

Mischievous and curious like the wind,
Solid and nourishing as the earth,
Passionate and explorative as fire,
Deep and wise, flowing like water.
Devilishly, you have pleasurably sinned.
You continue to stand firm asserting we all have inherent worth.
You move the heavens and earth to accomplish or acquire what you desire.
I am living in hell, but our sex is nevertheless hotter.

Because we love one another,
I know we will figure this out;
We will discover how our unique relationship comes about,
Because we want to be committed partners for the rest of our lives,
Whether or not we have other husbands or wives.
We are willing to take action, not only say the right words.
Though we can both be stubborn,
Our message is always eventually heard.
There is much for both of us to learn.
Love is full of choices, and in my decision I am assured.
We are Lovers;
Loving people
Who love each other,
In feeling and as a verb.
But we are still trying to recover
From the turmoil uncovered.

So even though I know
You won’t be coming home to me tonight,
And I do not know
When you might
Return,
I sleep on the right
Side of the bed to show
That I remember you prefer the left
And I will create space for you as I learn
What suits each of us best.
Because what is left
Of us is enough.
Off we will slough
That which is not authentic.
We will Just Breathe,
And absorb the Lessons Learned,
So you and I,
She and I,
You and her,
We can grow stronger
In ourselves and each other as we build our holy trinity,
Our pentagon of personalities,
Our loving trio,
And Grow As We Go.

4:41 pm 12/19/2020