You are the orange to my blue;
Complimentary opposites painting the sky with our hues.
A flash of brash,
A gradient of radiance in a sunset
I would never dare to forget.
A warm subtlety of Autumn
As the intensity of summer softens,
As blossoms wilt to their soil coffins.
I am struck by how this hue
Can be so undervalued
When it proudly provides profound insights so often.
Maybe folks are afraid of something so energized;
After their self-concept was sent to its demise,
From being penalized
If they passed what was generalized
As “too polarized.”
So they close the curtain and avert their eyes,
In hopes they would not be mesmerized;
In hopes they would not realize
Of how many lies
We all tell ourselves to avoid the pain of goodbyes.
You and I
Have found a way to u-til-ize
And analyze the disguise
We survived and surmised.
We recognize the demonized
Aspects of self
With the light of consciousness that unifies.
When I starve or binge,
Whether I feel solid of unhinged,
I do not see a twinge of a cringe,
I do not feel as though I infringe.
I am safe
Enveloped by orange.
I was enchanted to meet you,
Goofy ass smiles and wishes coming true.
We found synchronicity
In the heart of an ever pulsing city,
That we could never undo.
I found a love
That is so safe, yet I’m afraid of.
I feel a trembling in my bones,
Like a monsoon crackling with lightning;
An epic display of nature’s power shown,
Overcome by a flash flood, forgiving and frightening.
Intimacy like I’ve never known,
Knowing I’m not alone
As you accept me as your own.
I relax into you as I feel your arms tightening.
My mind is fucking blown
And it’s all so exciting.
It’s new to believe you
Don’t want something from me,
As I become me.
I feel a calm and persistent magnetism that is attracting and compelling,
But I always know I have a choice,
Which is a change that’s quite telling.
That knowledge has become my security.
I know you will listen to my actions and voice.
In sharing our pain I found an innocence and purity,
That I am not permanently stained and dirty.
A surety of an ever-shifting uncertainty.
I am understood like never before.
I had not had someone validate that it’s not wrong to be starving
And ask for more,
When I casually refer to myself as an attention whore.
Triggers a dramatic somatic
Settling I use drugs to chase after.
I so enjoy our daytime adventures and long talks that stretch to early morning, From late at night,
And 3 kisses before my flight.
I didn’t have to fight
To convince you my plight
Might not be trite.
I am relieved because I really believe
Our friendship, and for you to receive
Me isn’t a chore.
You are content with the content I present.
You ask me to be me-nothing less nothing more.
I don’t need a war to not be a bore.
It’s something that amazes me,
Something I adore.
Something that embraces me,
And I still want more.
I don’t need a pleasurably violent violation
To stimulate excitement for every situation.
And you don’t shame me when I express desire for deviation
In the collectively delectable collaboration of contrasting sensation.
Experiencing your presence is so foreign and loving and fun.
You have catalyzed me,
And we have just begun.
The feeling I belong is so strong
It’s as if I’ve known you before the Earth rejoiced in its falling in love with the sun.
We attract each other like gravity.
I feel lighter under the weight of what we’ve done with me.
You shine like a light so practical and divine.
I relish that you can be yours while simultaneously being mine.
It’s amazing and confusing,
Understanding, but not excusing
My self-inflicted bruising
Patient when I’m refusing
To receive love I’m terrified of losing,
Choosing joy without recusing,
Allowing myself to sing while we’re cruising.
I can’t guarantee, but it feels genuine,
Even though anything can be taken away,
I let you in;
And trust you to stay
For as long as we desire to create repair after rupture.
You see a suppressed aspect of me and trust her,
Don’t interrupt her,
Or rush her.
My Alexander can understand her
You are so vivid and bright you create
An atmosphere of safety here. (Places hand over heart)
Something that has become abundantly clear
Is that you see, feel, and hear
My pain, my joy, grief, and fear;
And nevertheless, you draw me near.
You don’t see
As others would.
You see my fear as a motivator for good
Who is simply misunderstood.
You sparkle like dazzling facets almost blinding in its brilliance.
An effervescent end of the tunnel melting through the resilience of my resistance.
Spilling into my awareness as you exude and unapologetic essence,
piercing the darkness like full blast LED fluorescence.
Our grins so wide they practically glow,
Cheeks shining with tears that recently flowed.
I suppose the better it gets, the better it gets is actually how it goes,
Even when my mind needs time
To keep pace with what my heart knows.
Every day you stay
My confidence grows.
I delight in your comfort and it definitely shows.
A beautiful light casting its own shadows.
I had never found
eyes so brown-
Or indefinitely fascinating freckles fixating my focus over constellations of speckles-
Leaving me spellbound.
Lifting my heart to the clouds,
And anchoring my feet to the ground,
Speaking in volumes without needing to make a sound.
We stay up all night
Then eat trauma for breakfast,
We choose our wrong and right,
Even if they judge us as reckless,
Try to correct us,
Or reject us
To protect us
Despite that choice is where our soul dwells.
Goddamn my affinity for your divinity
Has got me feeling breathless.
Drowning in the air of competence and confidence.
I’m not afraid to feel helpless.
Because I know it won’t make you want to help-less.
I’m addicted to feeling in excess;
To express what was repressed
That I can finally access.
Finding each other leaves me feeling hashtag #blessed.
There’s an opening in my heart and we are both invited guests.
This is something I would not have guessed,
Because we are tragic and magic.
Because you recognize my emotions are a complex
An internal guide
I no longer need to deny or hide.
In the end, everything will be okay
And if it’s not okay it’s not the end.
But I have to say
Feeling “okay” has become a trend.
I don’t have to pretend
That perfection is my endgame
Because I can now see they aren’t the same
And that perfection sounds kind of boring and lame.
And you are much to blame,
In assisting me to integrate my shame.
I love you, Alex,
I love watching who we are becoming and who we became,
I can’t wait to see you again,
My mirror, my best friend in a weekend.
We will never be the same.
Written April or May of 2018