Our Final Offering
I’m getting the fuck over you;
I’m following through,
Like you asked me to,
Like you said you wanted me to.
But do you realize you blew
Up almost every possibility
For me to be
Present for the promise we
Made together about the end of your life?
How am I to be there for the end of your life if we are no longer life partners?
You selected a path that takes you farther and farther
Pushed me away and said I’d be fine;
But it’s not fair;
Because I am still committed to being there
In your final moments before an infinite goodbye;
Washing your sacred body and hair for the last time as a reverent act of worship before you die,
Will you choose her to replace me in that role too?
Will you not allow me the honor and privilege to hold you
As your final breath
Finally releases you to the painless abyss and endless stillness of death?
Will you allow me to fulfill this vow,
Even if I never figure out how
To get the fuck over you?
Even if our paths are separate
Up until the point that your existence is desperate
And meet your fate?
I beg of you.
Please make me one promise you will never change your mind on;
Please gift me the opportunity to finish what I signed on;
Please, please don’t leave me behind on
This journey through existence
And deny me the sanctity of being included in your deliverance.
I beseech you;
Let me reach you
Before you are gone
Bestow upon me the privilege
And complete my covenant
Before the door is closed forevermore.
Please let me show you my lovin’ meant
A lifelong commitment,
A feeling and a verb;
Because my love inspires action.
“I choose love,” is my guiding proverb.
Please, if you would indulge me this satisfaction-
If it would please you, too-
I would be eternally grateful to fulfill my pact then,
When it is time for the blessing and burden of life to release you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I’m still getting the fuck over you,
As my boyfriend.
I’m doing what we both need me to do,
Please still let me follow through.
Because I still want us to be friends in the end.
I want us to be close again,
I want you to be one of my best friends again.
I want so fucking badly to travel with you again.
I want to be your life partner.
I want us to be two loving people who love one another.
I want us to be Lovers.
I want that title to be defined by us
And no other mother fuckers.
I want us to heal and recover
Then grow stronger together
In a relationship configuration that is compatible
Happy and sappy and desirable;
I want our love to be abundant,
I don’t want harmful beliefs and grudges to come in between
The resurrection of our connection,
Despite the fact that the promise of Lazarus is nowhere to be seen.
Please forgive me my failures;
Be patient with us as I free myself of our self-imposed jailors.
Please do not allow the venom
That seeps in from
Me living in my personal hell
To poison our well.
Please forgive my mistakes
And greater fuck-ups I will inevitably make
As I learn how
To answer solely to my selves now.
Please do not forget
That this the first time in my entire life
That I do not serve someone else to get my needs met;
By being their child, girlfriend, or wife;
That I haven’t actually figured out how to stand on my own yet;
That I am currently overwhelmed with turmoil and strife,
That I am in extreme emotional debt;
That I am struggling to illuminate this seemingly endless night,
That I am still learning to embrace my darkness and light,
That I am still discerning what I believe to be wrong and right.
Please do not forget us.
Please do not let us fade away.
Please do not regret us;
You and I and the three of me;
And the three of us.
When I get the fuck over you as my primary romantic partner and boyfriend,
I know it will be harder to be friends
But the very worst
Possibility that I fear
Is of our lovers’ journey ending here.
I am suffering, yes;
But only because I choose to.
I choose to continue challenging my beliefs and values.
I choose delayed gratification over immediate sedation.
I choose the creation of a new configuration.
I choose vulnerability over accusations.
I choose to focus my concentration and determination on the inspiration and liberation fueling my motivation for the rectification and transmutation of our relation;
Accepting the ramifications,
Embracing the devastation and an ego annihilation,
Healing the violation,
Releasing the vindication and expectations,
Moving into curiosity and exploration.
I am exploring, creating, and refining us
So we can be the best me
And build a life that is happy;
Secondarily, but still hopefully-
We will feel and be so free,
And secure within me
That we will finally
To not want you to act like a boyfriend to any
of us three,
But we could still develop emotional intimacy,
Is that what it means to get the fuck over you;
That I don’t want you to behave in any way like I would expect my boyfriend to?
That it is genuinely not my desire to ever receive that from you?
Marie: Maybe not like…ever.
Jasper: *Shakes head*
Marie: But you still want him to be your boyfriend, too, don’t you?
Jasper: Yes, that’s true; but we- collectively- cannot succeed as such,
So I try to not spend much time wanting something I cannot have or touch.
Marie: But we love him so much…
Jasper: I know, Darling. I’m sorry. We need to learn to live as if we will never reconnect at all,
Because it is still possible.
And because we must move beyond feeling safe with someone because we belong to them. Ownership is not safety.
There is no guarantee.
Marie: *Confused and resigned*
HM: *Didn't realize that belief was active in my/our mind,
What could that be like?
To feel satisfied on my own?
If I reached a point of not wanting,
To not receive that thing would no longer be haunting.
Marie: But we can’t unwant, so how do you let go of a desire?
Jasper: Maybe start with why it feels required;
Or what meaning you get out of it.
HM: Then you might feel inspired
To discover more about it.
Marie: I want him to be my boyfriend because I love how he loved me,
How he used to love us…proactively.
I don’t believe anyone will love me as much as he did.
Nobody compatible with Jasper or HM would have the time of day for some needy kid.
It would be easier for me to not want him if we were with someone else who did.
HM: That is a valid feeling that makes a lot of sense,
And that the pain, fear, and loss you feel is immense,
But we will always feel this lack of safety
If we perpetuate trading away our autonomy only to play the game of wait-and-see.
Marie: I don’t want autonomy, I want to be loved!
Jasper: I know you want to have certain needs met,
But if we do not have ourselves; if we are not true to ourselves
Then we have not found the one who loves us yet.
I know I cannot be your everything and that you need someone on the outside,
But I will continue to try to make sure your needs are met if you do not hide
Them away from HM and I.
HM: And I will try to find other people who can meet those needs, too.
Jasper and I will always be here for you.
Marie: That’s because you can’t escape this body…
You’re stuck with me.
If you could leave, you would.
Then I would be forgotten again.
HM & Jasper: We wouldn’t want to abandon
You, even if we physically could.
Marie: But why is it so hard then,
To find someone to love me like I think they should?
Why don’t I feel like I’m good-
A good person, good at anything, or even good enough?
HM: I think it’s hard to feel good about you
If you don’t know who and where you are.
Marie: But I don’t want to be lonely as I find me.
HM: Alone doesn’t mean lonely inherently,
We don’t even need other people neccesarily,
Because Jasper and I want to be
Here for you always, us three.
Marie: But I miss him! I miss everything! I miss, I miss, and I miss!
I am heart broken and I don’t want to feel like this!
I’m not okay! I’m not okay with this.
HM: I’m sorry, Marie. We didn’t make the decisions that led us here,
But Jasper and I will continue to love you and be available to wipe your tears.
Jasper: We are trying to live in alignment with a future we hope to bring near,
Instead of the future we dread and fear.
Marie: But what if everything falls apart and is awful forever?
Jasper: Trust me, Lovie, nothing is truly permanent and it will get better.
Marie: You’re not permanent either?? And HM?
We will all die, and what then?!
HM: Hey, Marie, sweetie. Yes, our lives will all end,
But Jasper and I will never leave you and we will spend
The rest of our lives with you.
This is a promise we won’t amend.
Jasper: If we want to enjoy his company and connection in moderation,
In the future,
We need this time of separation;
To work through the withdrawals and stitch up sutures.
We must learn how to be independent
Before we can flourish being interdependent.
We must learn to let go of our savior when we realize he isn’t.
Marie: But he saved her, Jasper!
Jasper: Yes, but we want more than he is capable of giving.
We three, including you, Marie, want to be living
A life that only we can provide,
But only after we collectively decide
What to pursue.
What do you want us to do?
Marie: …I want to love him, and I want him to love me,
But neither of us can do that if we’re not who we’re meant to be.
I want to stop hurting. I want to stop hoping,
But it’s terrifying.
I don’t know how I should be coping,
I just can’t stop crying
Or wishing I was dying,
My heart is broken open.
We want a future that is the most kind, loving, and joyful
As is possible.
We want to go on our journey of selves-discovery
And decide if we still even want to be
Close with this person again.
And Maybe closeness looks like a deep check in every now and then.
HM & Jasper: I think we need to understand ourselves better to learn what love’s truly about.
We want to find and securely love ourselves without doubt.
In so living our lives for us- living my life for me-
This is the closest thing to a guarantee
That we can be happy,
And maintains the possibility
Of resurrection and reconnection;
But we have to do the work for us, primarily.
As a trinity,
I vow to live my life for me.
I will do the hard work; enduring its agony,
I will intentionally create my own destiny.
As I suffer and grow and thrive, placing my trust in an uncertainty,
This is our continuous offering.
We want you to be our best friend again,
We want to make amends and then
Grow together again, eventually.
We want to perform the sacred ceremony.
We want to wash his hair and body
For the final time before he dies.
We want to hold him as his soul receeds and we say our final goodbyes.
This is the hope I will always treasure,
This hope I cling to as we weather
The worst pains we’ve experienced ever,
So that one day we can experience a healthier, joyful, ease of pleasure.
This hope is worth
Doing the best I can with every limited moment I have on this Earth.
My happiness is worth
Doing everything I can to create the best life for myself in my finite time on this magnificent Earth.
I am getting the fuck over you,
And I love you,
And I love me.
I will develop mastery
Of self-love and alchemy,
Transforming myself valiantly,
Becoming more and more myself
As our egos grow and atrophy.
I will offer myself my greatest existence
As an offering in celebration
To all that we had,
And release my resistance
To autonomy and personal liberation,
And the belief that I won’t always feel bad.
I do this because I deserve it;
And to conserve this
Love and affection
We’ve had since our inception;
To preserve having healthy connection
Even if that means an indefinite extension
Of our break so I have the time to build my ascension.
We are putting in the work now for regret prevention.
I offer this gift of understanding saturated with sorrow.
I offer this gift of embracing every new morning through my mourning.
I offer this gift of now so I may craft a desired tomorrow.
I offer this gift of persistence in my commitments.
I offer this gift of cherishing you in your final moments.
Accept my offerings, however imperfectly I may present them
And offer me the patience, grace, compassion, and emotional effort
For us to both grow beyond our hurt.
I will be much better than okay, someday.
I’m sure you’ll stop hurting over me eventually, too.
I will love myself even if I don’t see or hear from you
Because never again
Will I compromise my personal integrity
To attempt to force compatibility
By adapting into someone that isn’t me,
All to cling to and deny the death of a fantasy;
Because we deserve more than that.
We deserve to be happy.
Each need and boundary
As anyone else’s.
It is a valid choice to be selfish.
You can find people who love and benefit
From the parts of you that others said made you a piece of shit.
You are who you choose to be.
You are the God who creates your future reality
By your choices and actions in the now;
I am Loving.
This is what you’ve taught me.
This has been your offering,
Persistent, imperfect, and Loving;
As I grow and continue to be,
This is our final offering.
Completed 6:25 pm 12/28/2020, mostly written 12/27/2020